Communication Is Key – But Not In The Way You Think

The silence was deafening.

Out on a walk with my husband, there was nothing but quiet. The lack of words between us was excruciating. And while our mouths stayed shut, my mind raced. Negative thought after negative thought churned in my head. How can I be married to this man and have absolutely nothing to say?

This was the most painful part of my marriage.

We were terrible at communicating. Our interests were different, we had different backgrounds, different thoughts, different political views, and different parenting styles. We were so different. I considered myself a great communicator—I knew how to discuss my feelings, hold meetings, strategise for our future. But him? He was uninterested, withdrawn, and apathetic. It seemed he was the one with the communication issues, not me.

The longer this went on, the more I found myself asking: Did I make a huge mistake? This marriage was hard work. Surely if we were more aligned, everything would be easier. The communication would be easier, wouldn’t it? After all, they say communication is key, right?

Aggghhh. I felt so frustrated, so lonely, and so negative. There was so much I had tried. But he hadn’t. He needed to open up, to get on board. It was obvious that he needed help. I felt utterly stuck in a marriage that seemed doomed to fail, and yet, I didn’t want to leave. It was a miserable prognosis.

Although communication is important, it is, in my opinion, far from the most important skill in a marriage. In fact, communication can be harmful to intimacy. My attempts at “communicating”—forcing meetings, forcing conversations, my body language dripping with frustration—weren’t effective at all. I didn’t realise it then, but authentic communication cannot happen without respect. And because my husband didn’t communicate the way I wanted, I had lost respect for him. So because I didn’t respect him, he withdrew even more. Negativity fed on negativity, and we were trapped in a destructive cycle. One of us had to break it.

I decided to experiment. What I really wanted was intimacy. I wanted to feel like a team, to communicate with ease.

Step one? I stopped communicating. That’s right—the first step to saving my marriage was to stop talking. Every time I had an opinion, a suggestion, a “helpful” comment, I kept it to myself. If he started to speak, I held my tongue. It was a confusing and difficult experiment, but I noticed something surprising: it created a shift in our communication dynamic. He started speaking more, and I found myself actually listening.

Next, I worked on the negativity in my own mind. I had built up all these stories based on the “evidence” I’d gathered: We can’t talk about serious things because he doesn’t have opinions. It feels like we have nothing in common. And we’re not a good team. This negativity was poisoning our marriage. I began to shift my own mindset, and that change in energy led to a shift in our relationship’s energy.

After coaching, I started noticing and appreciating the things he was doing for our family, and I made sure to tell him. I thanked him for working so hard for us—even though I worked too. Funny enough, he started to soften and thank me for the things I did as well.

If you want to experiment, start by not forcing the conversation. Start by listening—truly listening—without needing to share your own perspective. Challenge yourself to flip the negativity in your mind. Then, begin to express the good you see in him. Flipping that negativity into positivity creates a safe, respectful space between the two of you, and from there, positive communication will flow.

Yes, communication is important, but it cannot be respectful or playful when there’s too much negativity. And guess what? That negativity is something you can control. Flip it, and you open the door for magical, respectful communication to flourish.

Now, there is emotional safety in our marriage. I can raise questions that once went unanswered. He really hears me, and he shares his thoughts openly. The silence is gone, and in its place, there’s a beautiful connection.

If you want to feel connected with your husband again, to communicate respectfully and work as a team, I invite you to join my next FREE talk, where I’ll explore one of the key tools that turned everything around for me. And if you’re ready to transform your marriage with lasting change, consider joining my private coaching program. Book your free Discovery Call now to find out which option fits you best!